woe is me day

[peachville]

I'm having a bit of a "woe is me/my life sucks" day.  I'm having to deal with my Dad's failing physical & mental health.  I should probably start looking into having him put in a care facility, because he ISN'T taking care of himself.  Partially he's physically sick, poor heart function, but he's not making it any better by not eating a good diet, by SMOKING(!!), not taking medication as proscribed & by not bothering to even get up or have a normal daily pattern or sleep.  I just don't know what to do, he's spending money he really doesn't have & I can't support him.

Meanwhile, my Great Aunt Dorothy's cancer is terminal & she's in hospice.  I'm going to miss her, and so we're trying to see her as much as possible without being nusances, but it's hard seeing her like this.  And on my Dad's side of the family, my Uncle Tom who lives in Dallas (I live in Wisconsin) had another heart attack.  It makes it even more difficult because he was planning to come up here & live with Dad (and help him take care of himself). 

Today I hung out wiht Mom for a bit, watched "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead" & had her listen to some of the music I got for Christmas (like we've been planning for over a month).  And then we took down the Christmas tree (FINALLY!).  THEN she got out her photos & decided to add them to the 96 photos album that she picked up.  It's got all of her pictures from the last year & a half, mainly her vacation & holiday pictures.  I'm only in one picture--off to the side, cameral in hand & cat on my lap.  I don't think you can even really tell its me. 

So that's the main depressing thing with me right now--I've got no money, some heavy debt, no life outside of my parents, cat & work. I've got no energy--it all goes toward trying to keep up on the laundry and cleaning (barely), keeping on top of bills (yeah...that's not really going too well...), going to work & coming home.  I don't see my friends more than 4 times a year, and I barely have any these days. 

I'm turning 28 in October and I really feel like if I died right now, no one would really miss me.  I don't really impact anything right now & i'm not sure I ever will.  I've only really had one date my whole life, only been kissed once.  I'm not very comfortable with anyone, especially men.  Gay men are great because they're less threatening. 

My mom has finally found the great love of her life & I'm really happy for her, but I think the closest thing I'll ever have is my cat & she can't have too many years left. 

And there, dear readers (yeah, like anyone cares!) is my sad-sack life. 

I feel pathetic being so depressed--I have a job, a roof over my head, food on the table, I'm healthy enough most of the time & I have family that loves me.